Why in the hell don't the 'Stros have a leftie out of the pen?

I would walked him. It's Barry f'ing Bonds. I don't care if I put the go ahead run on.

More importantly, they should've pulled Oswalt, he was obviously gassed.

Shades of game 7, really.

opening day ASTROS

well, mom and i get to the juicebox just in time for batting practice. the crowd is already big and the mood isn't the usual hopeful. it is this mixture of excitement and confidence that i haven't seen since i was a little kid and my mom took me to see mike scott opening day 1986. this is the year we're gonna win the series!!!!! yessssssssss!!!!!!! everyone here feels it, too!!!!!!!

batting practice. mom and i head down to the 3rd base line in hopes of seeing barry close up and maybe getting an autograph. it is perfectly ok to be in love with barry even tho we're die hard stros fans. (it's like you guys drooling over the swimsuit issue) we meet 2 other girls there, both named lisa. barry comes out for throwing practice. he is smiling and happy and friendly with a few of the stros players- vizcaino (is he showing him his swing??) and someone else who is not jeff kent. barry is simply the hottest man ever. hot hot hot hot hot. the other lisas agree. and he's a good ballplayer, too. so we watch him take BP. first time thru, he doesn't hit anything out or even far. seems to be getting his timing down, or else checking out the juicebox- there is a good wind blowing from right to left. the next go round, he hits 3 homers, a double off the wall, one down the right line and one down the left. that perfect stance. that perfect swing. us girls hope he'll wander down the sidelines, maybe turn and smile that fabulous smile, sign a few programs, but no luck. he gets cornered by chris berman, no mike.

so we go to our seats. on our left is a mom and her 3 kids. on the right, 2 more die hard female stros fans, one in a retro jersey. chicks rule. we all agree that barry is the best looking man. but we'll brake for brad ausmus. he can't hit but he sure is cute.

the game. finally. yessssssssss. roy oswalt gets 3 fast outs - 8 pitches. rueter doesn't look sharp. lots of balls, few strikes. we leave the bases loaded. i remember that rueter doesn't throw lots of strikes, doesn't throw over about 87/88 and doesn't strike out many. how can you look lousy, get so many outs and win games? for some reason. my stat geek friends who hate low strikeout pitchers, he gets hitters to swing at the balls. don't ask me how.

barry plays catch with the astros bat boy betweeen innings. lucky kid. i've never seen another outfielder do that.

2nd inning. barry hits a double down the left field line. so much for barry shift. alfonzo flies out to hidalgo. barry tags and slides into third. lousy throw by hidalgo. don't think he expected barry to go. hello. the guy stole 500 bases. heads up, dog. but roy looks every inch the ace. dynamite fastball and curve. this little guy (really, about 5'10") throws 95,96 and spots it beautifully. short guys rule. he is GOOD.
we're up. rueter looks absolutely terrible. throws 32 pitches, half of which are balls and we only get 1 run. kent gets himself out on a hit ball that bounces up and hits him as he's leaving the batters box. funny how he doesn't look nearly as good without barry in the lineup. 3 guys left on base. not good.

3rd inning. 10 pitches for roy. 3 up 3 down. he's good. rueter looks better this inning. 3 ground balls in 3 pitches. doesn't throw a first pitch strike.

4th inning. roy gets 2 outs with 8 pitches. then barry is up. first pitch he drives off the left center wall for a stand up double. this looks just like batting practice. remember that interview he did a few years ago where the interviewer asked him his secret to hitting and he said- "there's no secret. i'm just good." well, that is God's truth. roy is one of the 5 best pitchers in the NL and barry makes him look like the bp pitcher. sorry, this is talent, not drugs. maybe it really is safer to walk him. the next 2 guys single and barry scores. then roy gets the last out. rueter needs 7 pitches for 3 ground balls. still not throwing lots of strikes.

5th- 3 up 3 down. oswalt is dominant. rueter gets 3 ground balls in 7 pitches, 4 balls. why why why are they swinging at the next pitch?

6th- roy is dominant, except for barry. walks him with 5 pitches. he sure missed by a lot. getting nervous? rueter serves up a homer to hidalgo. the place goes WILD! i've never heard it this loud. screaming chicks rock this place.

7th- roy needs 6 pitches to get neifi perez out- and he darn near walked him. neifi??????? then 6 more to get pedro feliz out. first time tonight he needed that many for a batter. only 82 pitches. guess he's tired. well, we're ahead 2 to 1 so i guess it's lidge then dotel. rueter is out, having thrown 93 in 6 innings. i guess roy isn't being taken out- he's leading off. guess jimy isn't going to do the lidge pitches the 8th and dotel the 9th this year. anyway, we get 2 runs off the new pitcher so they bring in another one to try to get berkman out, which he does. 2 guys left on base. well, we're up 4 to 1. but when barry's playing, i'd feel better if it was 10 to 1. i know that pitchers get him out half the time and he's due to get out, but still.
so roy goes to pitch. durham gets on- 5 pitches. snow out on 3 strikes. tucker gets on- 5 pitches/3 balls. barry is up. i feel sick. better walk him. wait- jimy's going to the mound. lidge? has he ever faced barry? jimy's walking back and roy's thrown 96 pitches and 11 balls to the last 4 batters. can u say grady? sure enough, barry takes oswalt's 96mph outside fastball just over the right field wall. 340 ft? hidalgo started to break forward before going back- might could he have caught it? probably not - looked like a screaming line drive. the chick squad discuses this. i'll bet everyone is going to go on and on about how there wasn't a lefty in the bullpen, like mike gallo would have gotten him out. yeah, surrre. he hit leftys better than righties last year. and the year before. and probly the year before that, too. NOW we bring in lidge. and he finally gets the other 2 outs. bad timing. of course, he may not have gotten barry out, either. tie game. i remember barry saying something about hating extra innings last year. and i remember what he did about it. i sure do wish he was on my team. suddenly, i feel tired. and worried. lidge did not look sharp. will he do better in the 9th if he is still on?

9th- tie game. a lot of energy has gone from the park. barry does that to you. dotel pitching. can he go more than 1 inning? the chick squad discusses "proven closer" - we think that some guys think it is tougher to get 3 outs in the 9th with no one on base than coming in some other time and not letting runners score. well, if the guy believes he can't get someone out, he won't. whatever. so dotel hits the first guy (that didn't look like a slider or fastball- what did he throw?????) . then a sac bunt. then the guy steals 3rd without a throw. then a sac fly and he scores. up next, tucker, then barry. dotel HAS to get tucker. because barry is, shall we say, hot. whew. tucker is out. barry left on deck. so we're up, down 1 run. herges is the closer. another un-proven closer. then biggio gets himself out the exact same way kent did in the second. very weird. then everett does almost exactly the same thing. bags is left. this isn't good. because he tends to overswing in these situations. which he does. game over. barry beats us. herges is proven, dotel, unproven.

we have 2 future hall of fame position players on our team- bagwell and biggio. but you simply can't compare them to barry. he really is unbelieveable. anyone who thinks this is drugs just hasn't watched him play. i can't wait till tomorrow night. i'll bet pettite and clemens won't walk him either.

so i get home after the game and my husband has washed the kidz and put them to bed and sent his homies out and put the pizza boxes and beer cans in the garbage and cleaned the kitchen. so barry is downgraded to lukewarm because a new hotness standard has just been set. so i need to go thank him. and if i do a really good job thanking him, think he'll watch the kidz tomorrow night, too?

goodnight from houston.

Let's not forget, David, that Barry's OPS is 3667! Not bad... not bad at all.

Now, let the walks commence!

-jason (Idiots Write About Sports)